Call it on the fly

Workout of the decade. 5/27/10
May 28, 2010, 1:06 am
Filed under: training

Chop some wood. I mean chop the shit out of some stumps. Get an axe, a sledgehammer and find a massive pile of oak stumps and chop the shit out of them until they are mobile and able to build a small log cabin out of. Or a teepee if that’s your style, unless you’re like me and you build a teepee inside of a log cabin to create a roaring fire not unlike the breath of a dragon that’s pissed at some mystical villagers.

8 hours. For 8 hours, split the wood. You’re aloud to take a break when needed and stay hydrated and well fed. Drink water, god never said it had to be cold, it just has to be wet.  My first meal was a turkey sandwich with whole wheat bread, turkey slices, cucumber, avocado and mustard. About every 2.5 hours I had a small meal. To be followed by chicken and broccoli. I would highly recommend raw steak as well, to add to the lumberjack mentality make a sandwich, raw steak between two flapjacks. 3 energy drinks were consumed in the battle that waged in my own self doubt about the task at hand. Too hot for coffesta (I hate myself for saying that). Wear sunscreen for the sun is unforgiving. The shitty thing about wet, oak stumps is that they are stubborn and unrelenting, unwilling to split with ease. Start with an axe, once you hit the sweet spot a small crack might begin to emerge. Strike the stump laden axe with your sledgehammer and the sweet satisfying sound of grains of wood being ripped at the seams will nourish your ears. Now I know how Moses felt when he parted the red sea, that sea ‘aint shit, stumps, yeah. Highfive Moses.

“Swing low, sweet chariot.” Only when your hands bleed from your palms do you know it’s nearing the end of your workout. Abs, shoulders, back, arms and legs should be beat into submission and at that point continue for another hour. Chopping the shit out of wood is no easy task, yet is satisfying in its own right. Flannel plaid shirts and earflap touques are not a necessity despite common belief. On a bonus you’ll earn about 1000 ‘man points’ which are redeemable for $0.00 Canadian, but are exchangeable for a cold post workout beer, or in my case a protein shake and some BCAA supplements, and an immediate nap where you dream of… chopping more wood. Don’t wake up with slumber lumber, you might be a bit trigger happy.

Above all, Choppin’ wood should be fun. Laugh about it and question your own sanity. Take a look in the mirror and slap yourself for doing so. Why aren’t you out chopping more wood, winter’s coming.

PS. Keep a wide stance when chopping, one little slip is all you need to make a nasty mess, we’re making wood splints here, not shin splints, pun intended.


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consider yourself judged! you’re an addict!

Comment by Jessica Luch

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